By way of a confession, my return to a peaceful life after leaving the military was involuntary. In fact, it was almost by accident. I had suffered an ischemic stroke, which injured the right temporal portion of my brain, accompanied by a frontal bleed. I was a mess. The ensuing anxiety and depression that accompanies nearly all of these events only added to the reduced executive function and a left side deficit that were the frosting on the cake. As part of my recovery plan, I was essentially forced to sit down and shut up for the first time since junior high. It was winter in Maine, so I remained on my couch in front of my fire, took my meds and read The Bible cover to cover, twice.
When we speak of the spiritual domain of a resilient person, we are really talking about that person’s ability to find peace in a world fraught with the friction of this earthy realm. The noise that is constantly imposed on an otherwise healthy soul can be overwhelming when we look at the tyrant of our day; busyness. Our service in the military with long days, travel, deployments, loss, stress and uncertainty has left us with a high threshold for operating in a “peaceless” environment, often as the norm.
It is hard for me to comprehend (now) my daily regimen as an Army Colonel with high responsibility, raise children as a single dad and contend with the effects of post deployment trauma. I just did it. It was my life, day after day. But there was no peace, and in the fight of my day to day existence, I never noticed. I never noticed until I suffered a stroke, retired and the noise of my 24/7/365 knockdown, drag out suddenly fell silent. I’m embarrassed to say that I had not lived a more balanced life and while I’d love to tell you that my transition to retired life was “seamless” and smooth. It wasn’t.
Back to the couch. I was spiritually wounded by the lack of true peace in my life and what was worse is that I didn’t know how to find that peace to mend the spiritual void in my countenance. I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I was starving, but couldn’t eat. I was lonely, but wanted solitude. I was a damn mess in retrospect, and my boys deserved much better from their newly liberated father. I was determined to come out of my stroke better than I went into it, which was not a high bar to reach.
It took me a long while to first (re)discover stillness, then become productive again without auguring myself into another stroke. One of the benefits of having a stroke is that it leaves you with a “breaker switch” to prevent you from over asserting yourself. This internal governor activates in the form of a blinding headache when you exceed your limits or elevate your stress to a dangerous level. The remedy is, of course, a return to stillness and rest. Once again, I was involuntarily returned to my couch to “try it again” until I truly learned to seek and accept peace in my life as a normal part of my daily functions.
A poem by Richard Brautigan entitled Karma Repair Kit Items 1-4 summarizes the grossly over simplified process I used to return peace to my life, with practice, over time:
Karma Repair Kit Items 1-4. 1.Get enough food to eat, and eat it. 2.Find a place to sleep where it is quiet, and sleep there. 3.Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself, and listen to it. 4.
This basic formula resonated with me. I also remembered a conversation with a very good Afghan friend that resulted when I asked him why he didn’t go to prayer many times a day as do other devote practitioners of the Islamic Faith. He replied curtly to my question, “I practice my faith in prayer through my actions all day long. My mother taught me that prayer is how we live, not what we say.” True wisdom. And he did. Despite the indescribable hardships of his life experience and the fact that we were in combat at the time, he was the most peacefully spiritual person I have ever met.
Once I became comfortable in the silence of myself and somewhat re-set my battle rhythm, I was able to enhance this newfound peacefulness with spiritually enriching activities. I resumed the serious practice of my Christian Faith with disciplined meditations and prayer, then returned to the healing sanctuary of Maine’s Woods and Waters. I never feel closer to God than in the wilderness and began the practice of prayer in the morning and prayer in the evening. While the practice of faith was important, the stillness that I experienced in prayer was even more important.
I combined the aspects of psychological and emotional wellness with my spiritual domain as a three-legged stool to personal wellness and resilience. I would later add physical and social wellness to my repertoire and began to feel strong again. Having a healthy spiritual disposition in your life requires discipline, care and maintenance. It takes effort and dedication, to yourself. You have to make the time for stillness, introspection and the spaces that bring you joy, while setting aside the busyness of your daily toil.
Truly, of all the domains of resilience, there is little doubt that our spiritual wellness has the most profound effect on our health and happiness. Voluntarily or involuntarily, you must prioritize it thus. It really should be the dominating preoccupation of your day and the payoff will be self-evident.
From my couch in front of the fire, I wish you peace and love,
Your brother, Jack
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