Like all the greatest disasters of my life, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If it’s true that “the greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves,” (Sophocles) it is imperative that we keep those inevitable blunders in our lives in both perspective and proportion. The stillness that follows retirement offers newly separated service members ample opportunity to examine their past with distance and clarity. If it is also true that “old men sleep with their consciences at night,” then I have certainly had my share of sleepless nights. Ever self-critical, many late nights in front of my fire, I have pondered the many stupid things I said and did over my decades of service. One must be aware that there is a paradox to examine before we slip too deeply into a pattern of self-condemnation.
Given the brutal pace, complexity and duration of military service, it is no surprise that any reasonable person will blow a few calls. Some of them inflicted serious damage on our soldiers and families. I can think of many that have stayed with me even after I did my best to fix the harm caused by these mistakes. I’m not talking about strictly combat scenarios, either. Many of my worst mistakes were made in the vast chasms of policy planning or the implementation of regulations where more patient judgment would have yielded better results. Many were made at my own kitchen table, living room or driving in my car with the boys in the back seat.
Given the general environment of military service (and life in general), most of my worst blunders were made under duress. Anybody can sit back in an air-conditioned office and peruse quandaries using decision support templates, military decision making models and staff studies to reach a 90% solution, but at the end of the day, somebody has to pull the trigger. The leader has to make the call with the best information available applied with a healthy dose of experience. Of course, this is the military application to decision making.
Now, consider the disastrous decisions we’ve made in our personal lives. Life moves pretty fast and the luxury of time and space is not always available when we are making decisions under pressure. Complex personal or professional decisions made during adversity comprise most of the bad decisions I’ve made in my life. Take any personal decision where you had little experience, then throw in a 60 - 80 hour work week, a divorce, a job change, a house move, single parenthood, a toxic boss or two, a lawsuit, a health crisis or any other serious consideration and the result will rarely yield your best decision in a survival situation.
At the risk of the previous paragraphs reading like a long-winded rationalization, I want to caution you to resist the tunnel vision and memory trap that distorts both perspective and proportion. As you think back on your life in service, be kind to yourself. We tend to fixate on a few really difficult problems or errors, as they are the most traumatic, and dismiss the main body of success and greater good we created through our labor. Don’t forget that our profession is one of the most difficult in the world, so your dedication and sacrifice provide you with an exemption to the backlash of guilt or sorrow you may experience in your reflections. The false believe that you are sentenced to a redemptive penalty for your mistakes is not fair or realistic. The fact that you made mistakes, felt sorrow for them, did your best to reconcile the damage and did not repeat them is all you need to do before putting them behind you. This applies to your personal life too.
As one of the most personally flawed officers, dads, husbands, sons, brothers and friends on the planet, I remind you of The Redemption Exemption; a get out of jail free card, that gives you permission to move onto your life after military/professional separation to fully enjoy the bounty of your labor without the baggage accumulated through that service. For many of you lost in the contemplation and angst of the past, the time has long since come for you to set down your rucksacks and leave them behind you. Anything less is a tragedy and an affront to our many brothers and sisters who were not able to experience life after service having never survived. We owe it to ourselves, our families and our fellow veterans, both living and past, to achieve the greatest standard of life possible.
Accept, embrace and employ, The Redemption Exemption.
Your brother,
Jack
PS. John 3:16
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